How I WANT the final episode of the L word to be

Let’s pretend I was important enough to be asked last minute to step in a make the final episode of the L word. This is what it would look like:

It starts with Alice waking up and laughing, because she just had the strangest dream. Yes, that’s right, the entire sixth season of the L word was just a wacky Alice dream/nightmare and it never actually happened. Instead we are back at the morning after the wrap party for Lez Girls.

What happens next is a futuristic look at what is going to occur to each of the main characters, a little like the final minutes of Six Feet Under, only much longer and without anyone dying (Well, all but one, but we come to that).

Alice and Tasha realize that they might have absolutely nothing in common, but that they love each other deeply and that they have awesome chemistry. They learn to enjoy their differences and stay away from cute girls that work at the Gay & Lesbian center.

Tasha becomes a very successful and (obviously) hot cop, comparable to the likes of Sarah Shahi on Life or the Lady Cops on 3Way. She is constantly telling all their law-breaking friends to behave, which they let her do but of course they never listen to her.

Alice gets her own late night talk show on TV where she alternates between having goofy and weird guests and doing serious interviews about important life issues. No one ever makes Alice cry again.

Beth and Tina decide that if they want their newfound love for each other to last, they should move away from all the drama and craziness that is LA. Together with Angelica they go to New York where they start a new life for themselves.

We don’t know if they will live happily ever after or whether Beth will ever cheat on Tina again. But for the next couple of years they enjoy an almost drama free relationship.

No longer having to spend all her time in Beth’s social circle, Kit ventures out into the world and finds a nice and normal man to love. And with normal I mean he is not a woman, a Manny, a creepy self-help guru or a drag queen.

Just a regular decent guy who appreciates Kit for the wonderful woman that she is. He encourages her to stay off the booze for good and to seriously pick up her music career again. Kit makes a successful come back and never has to work in lesbian clubs again.

Helena learns to be a responsible adult and moves to wherever it is that her ex took her kids. She might no longer have custody, but she is sure going to try to see as much of them as possible. While she is there she bumps into Dylan and the two of them get reacquainted.

They forget all the stuff that has happened and they just focus on what attracted them to each other in the first place. Of course, their relationship does not last forever, but the next 18 months or so they spend having non-stop mind-blowing hot sex.

After F-ing her best friend’s (ex)girlfriend, Shane finally realizes she might have a problem. She gets some therapy for her sex addiction and eventually learns that she doesn’t have to have sex with anyone who wants it.

This doesn’t mean Shane stops having sex altogether, after all we are talking about Shane, she just decides to only shag women she actually likes. That leaves her with lots of free time on her hands for her to pick up her hairdressing career again.

One day while she is busy cutting hair, guess who walks into her salon? Yep, Carmen. They decide to go for coffee and catch up. Shane apologizes for what an ass she used to be and tells Carmen she has changed. This doesn’t really matter to Carmen who is in a serious relationship, but she tells Shane they can be friends.

For the next year or so the two of them hang out and they actually become good friends. They almost make it work, but it’s hard to ignore all the obvious chemistry that is still between them and eventually they decide to give their relationship another chance. We never do find out whether or not they succeed.

Max dumps his loser interpreter guy boyfriend and has all his surgeries, which gives him a newfound confidence. He starts his own company that specializes in doing technical jobs for people who don’t know anything about computers.

He finds love with one of his employees, this adorable and sweet computer geek who gets him. Together they make millions by charging people for doing computer searches and not telling them it’s really called Googling.

Finally, Jenny just gets everyone out of their misery and offs herself. No one cares.

The End.