Friday, September 17, 2010

Lists are Hot: 10 Bad lesBian movies you shouldn't watch

Lists Are Hot is a monthly column for all those of you that love lists. This time I want to talk about a topic we all love to hate, or hate to love: bad lesBian movies.

In the time between I realised I was into girls until after the first two years of coming out, I watched pretty much any movie with lesbian content I could get my hands on.

Needless to say, not all of those films were very good. In fact, at least half of them were rather crap, but I did not care, because it had girls in them who liked girls and they often ended up making out with said girls.

These days I try to watch movies because I think they are going to be good, fun or interesting and the fact that it has lesBian content has become secondary. This lessens the chance of finding more bad lesbian movies, although of course working for eurOut doesn't really help. I watched and reviewed plenty of bad lesBian movies the last 2 years, most of those have ended up in this list.

I have picked 10 movies with lesBian content that I thought were really bad, for various reasons. Obviously, there are many more and you might even like some of my choices. If so, feel free to tell me off or add your favourites in the comments. Here are my bad lesBian movie picks in no particular order (apart from number 1).

Do take note that a number of the clips included in this list are NSFW!

 

10. Go Fish (US, 1994)

Go Fish was one of the first lesbian movie I ever saw. I rented it from my local video store, hidden among a bunch of other films. I remember being scared, yet intrigued, wondering if lesbians were really like that. I hoped not, because I didn't think I would fit in. I watched it again a few years later and I was amazed at how bad this movie is. I get what they were trying to do here, but it clearly didn't work.

As for the love story…I think the very young Guinevere Turner is kind of cute, but after all these years I still don't buy she'd fall madly in love with the other lady. They had no chemistry whatsoever, and let's just leave it at that.

 

9. Chasing Amy (US, 1997)

Another movie I watched around the same time was Chasing Amy. I know, it's a controversial pick, as lots of people like this film. To be fair, the quality of the movie isn't that bad, but the storyline bugs the hell out of me! In a nutshell: uninteresting, dumb, average straight guy falls for lesbian, who can't resist him, but he can't handle her previous sexual experiences.

The main problem I have with this film is they make it out to be like any lesbian could just change teams if the right guy comes along (It would've been better if they had just made her out to be bisexual in the first place, but then, we wouldn't have the "interesting" plot). Seriously, would you switch teams for Ben Affleck?

 

8. Producing adults (Finland, 2004)

Let's move on to another great subject for lesBian movies: lesbians trying to get pregnant or having babies. It's such a boring, unoriginal storyline (of course, there are good exceptions like Chutney Popcorn). One of those bad ones in the Finnish movie Producing adults, about a woman with a dumb jerk of a boyfriend, who desperately wants to get pregnant.

She goes through extreme measures to achieve her goal, including secretly seeking help from a bisexual co-worker and against all odds, the two women end up falling for each other. They fall for each other while inseminating each other, it's all so very unrealistic. It doesn't really matter though, because the main character of this movie is sperm, and lots of it.

 

7.  Tick tock lullaby (US, 2007)

Producing adults is a good movie compared to Tick tock lullaby, which is also about having babies. However, this time it's a lesbian couple who desperately want a baby and decide insemination just isn't natural enough. Yes, they prefer to conceive the "natural way" by one of them having sex with a guy until she's pregnant. Needless to say, this isn't very beneficial for their relationship.

I can't believe someone thought this was an interesting, plausible storyline to tell.

 

6. Bandaged (Germany, 2009)

I'm a big fan of weird, unusual movies, but sometimes things get a little too weird even for me. A good example of this is the movie Bandaged, which I guess you could describe as an erotic lesbian thriller. A young, innocent girl who's tried to set herself on fire and her nurse, spend too much time together in a creepy mansion and decide to play weird sexual games together. Or something.

This is the first regular film from a woman mainly known for her S&M porn movies, so be warned. 

 

5. Choses secretes (France, 2002)

Another movie that revolves around sex is the French movie Choses Secretes, about two women who have a lot of sex with each other and with all the men they come across, because they want to sleep their way to the top. Another great plotline, and also not really a lesBian movie, although it does contain some hot girl-on-girl sex scenes. Still, this movie often shows up in lists of lesBian movies, and I just want to tell you it's not. It's more like soft porn.

 

4. The girl (France/Germany, 2000)

At least the previous movie had some sort of plot, which can't really be said for The Girl. This movie has no plot, makes no point and also makes no sense. An androgynous looking woman named the painter falls for a nightclub singer, and they start having some sort of affair, but the nightclub singer is busy sleeping with a bunch of men as well.

It's all very artsy, and the film has little dialogue. This is actually a good thing, as everything that's spoken is just so bad. Like the voiceover: “The Girl gives me a name. She calls me lover. She never asks about my life. She doesn’t know anything about me."

3. Lesbian Vampire Killers (UK, 2009)

I remember so looking forward to seeing this movie: Lesbian vampire killers. I thought it was going to be one of those good bad horror flicks, with some nice lesbian content. I was wrong. This movie is just very mediocre, not that interesting, not that good. More importantly, the title is very misleading as the lesbian vampires aren't all that lesbian. Well, they do like to make out with their fellow female vampires, but they seem to be mainly there to entertain the men.

 

2. Love & suicide (US, 2006)

I had to include this film. Not because it's the worst movie ever made, it's actually not that bad, but because it's one of those majorly depressing lesbian movies. A little like Lost and Delirious, but so much worse. Then again, are you really surprised with a title like Love & Suicide? I think there should be a law against making a movie where teenage girls fall in love with each other and think this is a reason to end their lives.

 

1. The fine art of love (Italy/Czech Republic, 2005)

I saved the best for last. The fine art of love is the most horrible lesbian movie I have ever seen. In fact, it's probably one of the worst movies I have seen ever, and I have seen a lot of movies. Why? Because it's so horrible and so misleading. The first hour of the movie you see two cute. innocent teenage girls learning to dance for the prince in a fairytale like forest and they fall in love with each other.

Then everything goes horribly wrong, girls start disappearing and find brutal deaths. One half of the cute couple gets hung on a rope and the other girl gets raped by the prince in the longest scene ever. DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. Seriously, just DON'T (Don't worry, the clip below isn't that horrible).

 

What do you think of my choices, do you agree or do you actually enjoy some of these films? And are there any bad lesBian movies missing from the list?

This post was first published on eurout.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Road trip through Ireland Part 5: From Galway to Dublin

This is the final part of my posts about our road trip through Ireland. Like all good things, this series also has to come to its end.

We arrived in Galway in the evening, and only had one night there, so we really didn't have a chance to see much of the city.

What was supposed to be a hotel turned out to be a Bed & Breakfast. After our Cork experience we were a little worried, but luckily things weren't too bad there. It was a little noisy and the Full Irish breakfast was horrible, but besides that we had a good stay there.

Ierland 2010 - 1144 Our Galway room in the Bed & Breakfast

We walked into the city centre for some food. Not knowing our way around, we just went in one direction until we bumped into an Italian restaurant. The food was really, really good there!

After dinner we went to explore some more and it turned out we had walked to the more quiet side of the city centre. Galway looked to have quite a lively centre, but like I said, we really didn't have the time to experience it.

The next day we started on our final leg of our road trip, back to Dublin. We drove along the West coast for as long as possible. It was very pretty, but the roads weren't all that great there.

Ierland 2010 - 1156When we arrived back in Dublin, we dropped off our rental car and went to our final hotel. On the way we stopped for some sandwiches and battled the rain. Yes, more rain.

The hotel we were staying at was really nice, probably one of the best we visited, but the decorations were horrible. Our room consisted of a striped floor, dotted curtains and even a chair with a leopard print!

The floors of the corridors looked pretty bad as well. Imagine having to walk through those when you've had a few drinks.

Ierland 2010 - 1166

Dublin hotel corridor

Because we'd already spend 2 days in Dublin at the beginning of our trip, and because we were very tired from our road trip, we decided to stay at the hotel.

They had an all-you-can-eat Asian buffet, and since the hotel was pretty fancy we thought that sounded good. Once again, we were very wrong.

The food was horrible, worse that the worst Chinese I've ever eaten. It was bland, boring and tasted like it'd been standing there for a few hours, which was probably the case.

After the meal we decided to treat ourselves by renting a movie. Unfortunately, I was so tired that I missed most of it.

The next morning it was time to go home again. We packed up all of our things, caught a shuttle bus to the airport and that was the end of our road trip.

It was a really great holiday! Ireland is such a nice, beautiful country and we had a really good time. I'd definitely want to go back there some day, especially to explore the West coast some more.

Read previous posts about our road trip here.

P.S. Most of these photos (and with that I mean all the extra pretty ones) were taken by my girlfriend. We took 1172 photos in 10 days, which I think is pretty impressive.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Road trip through Ireland Part 4: From Limerick to Galway

Once we left Cork, everything started to get a little better again. After the Crag Cave we drove on to Limerick, a charming little town in the West of Ireland.

When we arrived at the hotel, a wedding reception was in full swing in the bar and most of the lobby. We made our way up to our room, which smelled badly of smoke. We went back down to complain and we had to wait for about 10 minutes among all the loud, drunken wedding guests until we were given the keys to another room.

I'm happy to say that this new room smelled just fine (for as far as hotel rooms can smell nice). We were pretty tired from being on the road all day, so we decided to stay in our hotel room that night and we ordered some room service.

We were glad we stayed in because in the early evening there was a ridiculous amount of rain.

Ierland 2010 - 0680

Rain, rain, rain

The next day we explored the city of Limerick, which wasn't very big and not half as exciting as all the brochures made out. It was a nice, kind of pretty town though, just a little disappointing.

It was a Sunday we were there and everything was closed, including the Tourist information place (the shops did open in the afternoon). We decided to visit the Milk Market, which was very disappointing. We thought it'd be this big, lively market, instead we only found a handful of stalls there.

Ierland 2010 - 0698

Milk Market

Needless to say, it was rather boring. We decided to have a walk around the city, which was nice enough. It looked real pretty along the waterside and the sun was even shining!

Ierland 2010 - 0686

Ierland 2010 - 0737

Limerick prettiness

The highlight for me was the Wild geese monument, a monument to honour those who served during the Irish resistance (or something), but I just thought it was cool there was a statue consisting of flying geese.

Ierland 2010 - 0760

Wild geese monument

I almost forgot, but even greater than the Wild geese monument was the coffee at the Spar across from our hotel. Hot, black, strong, and lots of it!

Heidi also wanted to see the Greyhound tracks, and since it's one of those things you hear about, but we don't really have over here, it sounded like a great place to visit. Wrong.

Or at least we'll never find out whether it's exciting, as when we finally found it, it looked liked it had been closed down for some time already.

We continued to walk through Limerick, looking for a way to get back to the city centre. The streets were almost deserted, but those we came across didn't seem too friendly, especially one man standing in the doorway who was just blatantly staring at us.

I guess we shouldn't complain though, because we spend most of our road trip walking hand in hand, and even though we got a few more glances and stares than usual, no one seemed to care all that much.

I didn't think it would be a problem, but Ireland being such a religious country I wasn't sure what to expect. Yay Irish!

That night was the final match of the soccer World Championships, and seeing Heidi is better at being proud to be Dutch than me, she insisted we watch the game.

We went for some food at the Wok king first, which was very disappointing. Luckily we still had some nice crisps to eat while watching the game.

Or more correctly, Heidi watched the game and I glanced at the screen now and again. Oh well, maybe I'll learn to be better at being chauvinistic some day.

Like in most hotels, our room was at the end of the hallway. In Limerick they had a crazy amount of doors from the lift to our room. I'm all for fire safety, but 7 (!) doors seemed a bit excessive.

The next day it was time to go to our last destination, Galway. The weather was once again nice, and not at all autumn-like.

Ierland 2010 - 0839Before we went there we went to visit the Cliffs of Moher, which was so incredibly pretty I don't have words to describe it. So just look at the pictures instead, although I have to say they really don't do it justice.

Ierland 2010 - 0890Ierland 2010 - 0898 Ierland 2010 - 0916

Ierland 2010 - 0948Ierland 2010 - 0950

Cliffs of Moher

Even though things were already pretty great there, Heidi got even more excited when she got to eat some ice cream, complete with sprinkles. I loved how the ice cream lady responded when I asked for the sprinkles: "Yes, one would be crazy not to!"

Ierland 2010 - 0935

Unfortunately, the nice weather wouldn't last, and just as we were about to leave it started pouring down. We continued our trip to Galway in the rain, stopping at another cave along the way.

This time it wasn't as commercial, and in fact there were so few people there, we got a tour with just us and two other people.

We had to wear hardhats and then had to walk many, many flights of stairs down into the cave. The hardhats were not, as I first thought, to prevent stuff from falling on our heads, but because the ceilings were all very low. I am proud to say I only hit my head a couple of times!

Ierland 2010 - 1006 Ierland 2010 - 1007 It might've been a lot of steps down, it felt like twice as many going back up. Of course we didn't want to show in how bad shape we were and just continued walking. Then we did have to sit down for a few minutes to get our energy back.

Back we went in our car, through the rain, on our way to Galway.

Ierland 2010 - 1035Despite the bad weather, we enjoyed the pretty scenery we drove through, including the Burren, which you can see below.

Ierland 2010 - 1044Ierland 2010 - 1070

The Burren

Next time I'll tell you about our final 2 days in Ireland. You can read previous parts here.