Saturday, May 9, 2009

Is this my personal diary?

Someone asked me the other day whether I see this blog as a kind of personal diary, albeit a very public personal diary. I had never really given it much thought. My first reaction was no, not at all.

You see, I kept a personal diary for over a decade until I was in my early twenties. I filled pages and pages with self-created drama. With that I mean it was all about how I was confused, upset, insecure, etc.etc.etc. Small things seemed like the end of the world.

Ok and sometimes not so small things. Wanting to fit in and realizing I never would, self-esteem issues, depression, struggling with my sexual orientation. The list goes on and on. It was all big and bad.

Sometimes it was fun too. Like whenever I had a crush on someone. Of course that quickly turned negative too, worrying about whether they liked me back, things that went wrong etc. etc.

What I am trying to illustrate is that my personal diaries used to be very personal. I would never write about every day things, about what I liked or what my opinions were on certain things. It would only be about how hard life was as a teenager.

I don’t see this blog in the same light. Sure, I do disclose a lot of personal information and some of my posts are about very personal topics, but it’s not like it’s my diary. There’s a clear difference.

I am not sharing my innermost personal thoughts and feelings with you. I choose and select what to write about and I am usually very aware there’s people reading it. That in itself already makes you write things differently.

Take this week for an example. So far I have written about a study on the wellbeing of Dutch queer women, the stupidity of male and female products, sexual orientation labels, eighties cartoons and random facts about me.

Now these are all things that interest me and I thought about this week. But if I were to really write down what has been on my mind this week, what kinds of thoughts, feelings, worries etc. have occupied my time, this blog would look very different.

The interesting question is which of the two would be a more entertaining read. I personally think you’re better off reading this blog than my personal diary. Not only that, but I don’t really want you guys to know about all my innermost private thoughts.

It’s embarrassing. Well, sometimes it is. I’d much rather choose when to share what and especially to whom I tell things that personal to. Thus, this blog is not my personal diary and it also won’t turn into one anytime soon.

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