Saturday, January 31, 2009

I wasn’t always like this

I wasn’t always the way I am today….outgoing, extraverted, out and proud, confident, self-assured, knowing who I am and what I want and don’t want….happy.

For a long time I was just like so many other young insecure, self-conscious, overly self-critical (or even self-loathing) girls. When I was 14 I was not only shy, introverted and scared of the world, but I was also convinced I was fat and ugly and that no one would ever love me.

I would just sit in my room alone and cry. I would cry because the world was such a horrible place, because I wasn’t cool, popular, or thin and I did not have a boyfriend. I didn’t know yet then that I wasn’t fat at all and that finding a boyfriend really wasn’t the solution.

In those days I kept a diary in which I filled pages and pages with self-created drama. I have never felt so bad and so low about such small things. But when you are a teenager, your world is very small and the slightest problem becomes the end of the world.

I wanted to be normal and just like everybody else. Like the pretty popular girls with their perfect bodies and groups of friends and awesome boyfriends. I was constantly on a diet and tried to starve myself, but luckily I’ve always loved food way too much to do any real damage.

Even though it seems so ridiculous now, I can still remember what I felt like when I used to stand in front of the mirror naked and cry because of my fat ass. Who cries because of their ass? Seriously?

Just as I got over the fact that I should be cute and skinny like all the other girls, I discovered that I was gay and that created a whole new set of problems. If I tell you that it took me until I was 23 until I finally came out completely, it should say something about the struggle that it was.

From all the teenage angst I experienced, I think the feeling of being alone was the worst. I felt so alone in the world, I honestly though I was the only one feeling what I was feeling and experiencing what I was experiencing.

I so desperately wanted to have someone to confide in, to share my feelings with. Some friends I could really be myself with and who would understand me. I wanted to find a place where I belonged.

It never got so bad that I wanted to kill myself, but I understood others who did a little too well. These days I hardly ever think about those times, but this short I watched on After Ellen brought it all back.

If you are reading this and you haven’t put your “self-created drama” years behind you yet, I want you to know that things will get better. Some day soon you will look back on your younger self and shake your head, wondering what ever made you feel that way.

There’s this awesome world out there with lots of room for freaks and geeks like you and me. You just have to find it….find your place in the world where you can be yourself.


J said...

this nearly made me cry...clearly..I haven't left some of those feelings behind, but I do have hope that it'll get better. too bad I'm impatient though.

thx for sharing this!

Natazzz said...

You're welcome J.

I know and you will *hugs*

Sandra said...

I <3 you, Natazzz :)

Rose said...

So well written. Thanks

Natazzz said...

Thanks guys!