Last night while opening the millionth box of my stuff, I stumbled upon my old diaries. Long before I discovered the fun of blogging and emailing, I used to be an avid diary keeper. I think I started writing in a journal when I was nine and I kept it up until sometime during my early twenties.
Why did I stop? I am not sure. I think the main reason was that I stopped having the need to keep a detailed account of my life. Or put differently, I stopped being a big drama queen and grew up, hence, the need for bitching and whining stopped too.
Think I am exaggerating? I spent most of last night reading all my diaries until the early hours and the one thing I kept thinking was I would make a great Meredith. Seriously, I had forgotten I used to be such a whiner.
Especially my late teens and early twenties were a time where I was so preoccupied with myself and took everything way too seriously. Pages and pages are filled with self-consciousness (am I good, pretty and/or ambitious enough?), confusion (am I really gay?), depression (feeling like the weight of the world is one ones shoulders), unrequited love (crushes on straight girls) and something I can best describe as a fear of life itself.
My journals also included a detailed account of what happened with my first girlfriends. Those were wonderful to read. It’s weird how you think you remember everything, but really you forget so many little things or change them in your head. There is nothing like reading about the excitement of first kiss and first love.
I also found some photos from those times. Damn, did I look good! Seriously, if only I had realized in my late teens/early twenties how hot I was things would have been so different. Then again, maybe they wouldn’t have been and I just had been more arrogant.
I wonder if I read these blogposts in another decade I will feel the same way. You know, wondering who the hell that girl was that wrote all this stuff, feeling so much older and wiser. Well, I am sure I will feel older. Wiser?
I don’t know. We might get wiser with the years, but I don’t think we ever really learn.