Sunday, January 6, 2008

Breathing her nicotine

Nicotine: A true love lost…

It is a little over a year ago that I quit smoking. Previously I had been a heavy smoker (30 a day, at least) for almost 15 years. I was a heavy but a happy smoker. Everything in my life revolved around smoking, from the moment I got up until the time I went to bed. I smoked everywhere, and any time it was allowed, except from during sex and in the shower. I was a smoker, all my friends were smokers, and I could not picture my life without it.

Then on January 1st of last year I quit smoking. Cold turkey. The first few days were hell. No scratch that, the first few months were hell. All I could think about for 3 whole months was I want to smoke, I want to smoke, I want to smoke!!!

The first few days without nicotine I could not get myself to do anything. If I could not smoke while doing it, I thought it was no fun, it had no point. It got so bad that I felt like life wasn’t worth living without nicotine. That scared the shit out of me.

It was also what made me persist. I felt that if I really thought that life wasn’t worth living if I could not smoke, I was such an addict I had to give it up. That’s what got me trough it. That and the fact I did not want to end up like my mother and have a heart attack before I am 50*. Also, my amazing levels of stubbornness and persistence helped a lot.

So here I am a year later, 20 pounds heavier (I forgot to mention I quit smoking by increasing my drinking), 10% more lung capacity (I’m still not very sportive though), 20% enhanced smelling ability (everything stinks!!), and a lot calmer. I am now an ex-smoker. Or a non-smoker even. And for the most part I am happy about it.

I no longer need to smoke. But I miss it. I miss those coffee and cigarette breaks in the morning, I miss nervous stress chain-smoking, I miss the bonding with the other smokers, I miss that cigarette after a long day, on a perfect day, or after great sex.

I hope I will never take up smoking again, but I know I will always miss it…

* Don’t worry, she scared the hell out of us a few years ago, but she survived and she’s fine now. She still smokes though. A lot. And I understand.

1 comment:

jennifer from pittsburgh said...

Congrats on being smoke free for over a year! I know that I'll have to quit someday, but it won't be today.